Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

next question.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!