True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.