True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!