True dat! 😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there