True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.