True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Does beer think about me too?
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled