True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Story of my life…..
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…