True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Drive like no one is watching.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Spring of Deception
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’