True freaking story!
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.