True freaking story!
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Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
just having fun
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.