True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
could’ve been anyone
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”