True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Getting married soon just need a spouse