True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.