Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

making sure he doesnt get away

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures