True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The booster protects against what, now?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?