True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
You Might Also Like
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.