True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child