True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming