Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

a lot to unpack here

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

#parenting

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense