Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

me doing my best

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

do u think theres a butter planet?

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.