Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?