Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Haha good job!!

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

How about daylight saves us for once

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too