True statement👍😏😁
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Leftovers are for quitters!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Woke up against my better judgment again
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Body by sandwich.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳