True statement👍😏😁
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
LOL
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone