True statement👍😏😁
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane