True statement👍😏😁
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Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
this has done me in for some reason
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
This anagram machine is out of order.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Yup.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.