Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!