True story 🤣
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.