True story 🤣
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.