True story 🤣
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.