True story 🤣
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind