True story 🤣
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.