True story 🤣
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love