True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
We have a winner.
![]()
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Merry Christmas
![]()
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Think I pulled my liver
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids