True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If you know, you know
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go