Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.