True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
It’s the weekend y’all
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Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated