Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Yep.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”