True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax