Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Somebody call the cops.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos