Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.