TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters