Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective