TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby