True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Finally, a door that understands me
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
