Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay