True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
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Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️