True story 🤣
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do what now??
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport