True story 🤣
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.