Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.