Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Fidel Castro was alive?

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?