Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early