Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Human are so complicated

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Kids, do not try this at home!

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.