TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Selfie
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.