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Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing