True
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys