True
You Might Also Like
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.