Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

pep talk

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40