Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th