@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast