#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me when I hear gossip
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
That eye roll….
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
dude it’s called proctologist
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.