#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.