Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month