#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.