Truly one of the great bangers
You Might Also Like
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I think this might be relevant today.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends