Truly one of the great bangers
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I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring