Truly one of the great bangers
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog