Truly one of the great bangers
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*