Truly one of the great bangers
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
me hooking up with my ex
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”