Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Creepy-crawlies

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I’m calling the cops.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you