Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

🥴

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”