Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

😐

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me