Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a baker flours on your first date.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”