Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not today

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.