Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.