Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Somebody call the cops.