Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…