Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.