Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.