Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

“I wouldn’t.”

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.