Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
You Might Also Like
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!